Prescribing Information Enclosed — See Side Effects Below
ValSal™
One daily dose, taken for life.
Ask your spouse if ValSal is right for you.
In Clinical Use Since January 2018 · Field Trials: New Zealand & FijiIndications & Usage
What ValSal Treats
Clinical studies (n = 2) show ValSal is effective against the following conditions:
Solo Takeout Syndrome
A condition marked by ordering dinner for one, out of habit rather than preference.
Chronic Overthinking
Symptoms improve within minutes of talking it through out loud, together.
Empty Beer Fridge
A recurring flare-up. ValSal restocks it, drinks it, then restocks it again.
Quiet House Disorder
Rare since diagnosis. Three dogs make relapse nearly impossible.
Drug Facts
Active Ingredients
- ValSalActive Ingredient
- EverettInactive, Present
with Phone - HemingwayInactive, Present
- FitzgeraldInactive, Present
- Zora NealeInactive, Present
(Chews Packaging)
Directions for Use
Dosage & Administration
Take one (1) ValSal tablet daily.
Administer outdoors when possible.
May be taken with beer.
Continue indefinitely. Do not stop, even if symptoms of happiness persist.
Drug Interactions
Common Interactions
ValSal shows a strong, well-documented interaction with craft beer — particularly hazy IPAs and anything a local brewery only brews twice a year. Observed effects include impromptu road trips, brewery tours, and a marked increase in beer photography. No adverse effects have been reported. None are expected.
Savings & Support
The ValSal Savings Card
Pay as little as $0. ValSal is committed to accessibility for all.
Valid at any kitchen table, brewery patio, or back porch. Accepted nationwide. Never expires.
Clinical Trial Site
Study Participants
Every study needs a control group. Meet the ones who never signed the consent form.
Hemingway
Lead investigator, napping division.
Fitzgerald
Reports side effects. Frequently.
Zora Neale
Quality control, all footwear.
⚠ Possible Side Effects
Read Before Continuing
Side effects of ValSal may include: sudden urges to book flights with no return date, singing in the kitchen for no reason, mild-to-severe dog hair inhalation, an inability to finish a beer flight without taking notes, oversharing on Instagram, spontaneous forehead kisses, occasional sightings of a 15-year-old wandering the house who may or may not be a figment of shared imagination, and long stretches of actually being fine. In rare cases, side effects may include a wedding, a honeymoon spanning New Zealand and Fiji, and a house that is never quiet. If side effects persist for fifty years or more, do not consult a doctor. It's working as intended.
Click here to see more side effects
- Increased tolerance for bad puns.
- Sudden expertise in hop varieties.
- Involuntary narration of the dogs' inner thoughts.
- Unexplained grinning at old photos from New Zealand.
- Compulsive restocking of the beer fridge.
- Chronic inability to imagine the alternative.
⚠ Drug Interaction Warning
Do Not Take With SwingaMax®
ValSal has not been evaluated for use in combination with SwingaMax or related compounds. Patients with any prior or concurrent SwingaMax use have reported the following:
Click to view reported interactions
- Sudden, unexplained use of the phrase "CNM" in casual conversation
- Spontaneous acquisition of a unicorn emoji habit 🦄
- Compulsive need to clarify "we usually engage together, but—"
- Onset of "liberal AF" as a complete personality
- Increased tolerance for the phrase "inquire within"
- Unironic use of "DDF" and "GGG" in job interviews
- Sudden aversion to monogamy-adjacent small talk
- Spontaneous rebranding of your dad-bod as a "father figure"
- Uncontrollable urge to list "hiking, baking, and podcasts" as core personality traits
- Delayed-onset craving for "steamy makeouts and whatever makes sense"
- Rare but reported: waking up 420-friendly despite prior teetotalism
- In severe cases, patients report referring to their spouse as "smoking hot" unprompted in public documents
